52 Chapters
  Title Author Publisher Format Buy Remix
Medium 9780615928272

Spiritually Cleansing Naked Places

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

play during your visit. And unless you have very identifiable body art, the hat will also ensure that your child’s former preschool teacher won’t recognize you and stop by to show you her new lowerback Luna Moth tattoo.

Always wear big, dark sunglasses. Again, the sun is bright out there in the wild, wild world of naked hot springs. You need protection. You also need those glasses to shield your delicate eyes from so many unwanted soul stares that are guaranteed while visiting the magic crystal lands of spiritually cleansing naked places. They also serve as a softening screen when presented with the many, many pale white asses and tenderly scalded crispy pink buns that come frighteningly close to your face. Bonus: Dark glasses make it possible for you to ogle the rare attractive man or woman lounging near the pool without looking like a total perv.

It is very important to utilize the most basic of manners at the hot springs, like “no peeing in the pool” and “ladies first.” But most importantly, remember not to bend over to pick up your book bag or vegan chocolate treats. And don’t attend any yoga classes sans pants. You wouldn’t like someone else’s puckered starfish or withering junk dangling in your face, would you? Just kneel. Better yet, if you’re hoping to make a few naked friends during your visit, ask someone at ground level to assist you in retrieving your items.

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Medium 9781935362593

Quilt Humor

Julia Icenogle Kansas City Star Quilts ePub

Mrs. Bobbins loves jokes that only quilters understand!

U.F.O.s
(Un-Finished Objects)

“Looks like your Aunt Bobbins sent you another quilt postcard.”

Mrs. Bobbins airs out her Flying Geese quilt.

Fussy Cut

Mrs. Bobbins finds religion.

“I guess Mazel is still sore about last year’s judging…”

One of the dangers of “brown bag quilting.”

“I guess not all layer cakes work well wth candles.”

One cool grandma.

“Basting the turkey. What does it look like I’m doing?”

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Medium 9781935362593

World Events

Julia Icenogle Kansas City Star Quilts ePub

Mrs. Bobbins likes to keep up on what’s happening in the world, and sometimes a little quilt flair sneaks in!

“3 minutes, 23 seconds…and she’s on pace to shatter the Olympic record!”

Doing her part to stimulate the economy, Mrs. Bobbins engages in another wild night of online shopping.

“I’ll vote for any candidate that supports my right to carry a concealed seam ripper.”

The year the Quilt Guild was in charge of the Westridge precinct.

“YES, WE DID!”

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Medium 9781935362593

Life

Julia Icenogle Kansas City Star Quilts ePub

For Mrs. Bobbins, even when quilting isn’t on her mind, it seems to pop up everywhere!

“I probably should have started this swimsuit project earlier in the year.”

“This pattern is called ‘Double Wedding Ring With Prenup.’”

While Mr. Bobbins was away on business, Mrs. Bobbins took the opportunity to work on her favorite quilting project.

“If I have to spend $16 on a rotary cutter, it had better cut more than just fabric!”

Mrs. Bobbins finds out how much her charm quilt vest looks like honeycomb.

I can tell you’re a quilter by the threads on your shirt.

Mrs. Bobbins’ piecing skills tend to show up in unexpected places.

“I see you found my scraps. Nice piecing, by the way.”

“Quilting or non?”

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Medium 9781935362593

Cats

Julia Icenogle Kansas City Star Quilts ePub

Mrs. Bobbins likes the challenge that her cats bring to her quilting.

“What do you have that will look good with cat hair on it?”

“This has got to be the worst possible time for a hot flash.”

“Well, I guess cat hair is technically a natural fiber…”

Batting Battles

“Dear, next time you’re spray basting in here, lock the cat up in another room.”

“Careful, Fluffy. Unlike you, this machine still has its claws.”

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Medium 9781574411836

Questions Catholics Never Ask

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Questions Catholics Never Ask j

When the Virgin Mary visits the earth, why does she always dress like a Muslim?

Other than the halo, how do they know she is the mother of Jesus and not the mother of Mohammed?

How old is that dress any way? It’s unlikely there are any fashion designers in heaven but couldn’t Michaelangelo whip up something? da Vinci?

When the Holy Mother returns, shouldn’t it be “revisitation” rather than “visitation?”

Why is it necessary for the Holy Mother to appear at all if she always has the same message? Love one another? Can’t she think of something that hasn’t been used in soft drink commercials?

If the Secrets of Fatima were important enough for the Holy

Mother to appear on earth to reveal, why did the popes keep them secret until after the events had occurred? Shouldn’t she have appeared again to be sure her message was delivered?

If the pope is the head of the church, why doesn’t the Holy

Mother go directly to him? Doesn’t he listen to women?

What if God and the Virgin Mary got their roles crossed and God spoke to the pope and the Virgin appeared to the president of the Church of Latter Day Saints? Would good

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Medium 9781574411836

Questions Mormons Never Ask

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Questions Mormons

Never Ask j

When we gave up polygamy did we surrender religious principle to secular humanism?

Was the fear of jail the beginning of monogamy?

Why didn’t Brigham Young keep going until he got to California where polygamy is popular? Mormons would be as entrenched in Hollywood as the Church of Scientology.

If marriages made in the Mormon Temple are not until

“death do us part” but forever, isn’t that a long time to spend with one woman? Is it too late to reinstitute polygamy? Is being a Muslim martyr out of the question?

Do women live longer than men because it takes them longer to get ready for anything, even heaven?

If incest is so bad, why did God choose that way for the children of Adam and Eve to reproduce?

Why did it take Southern Baptists so long to understand what Joseph Smith knew before he talked to the angel Moroni?

Wives are to be submissive. It doesn’t matter whether you are wife number one or wife number ten.

When your husband says you are good in bed, does that mean you are number one or number ten?

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Medium 9780615928272

I Feel Hurt When You Are An Asshole

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

Unfortunately, there are people in this world that believe– deep down in their indigo-shaded tie-dyed souls–that they are effective communicators. What these people don’t realize is that they are crazy.

Take wannabe Nonviolent Communication devotees, for instance. And also, people who are sociopaths.

The premise seems harmless enough: Nonviolent Communication is a self-righteous cult-like language style that supposedly facilitates the flow of communication needed to exchange information and resolve differences peacefully. It also claims to help focus attention on compassion as a motivating factor, instead of guilt, blame, fear or shame. In some cases, it helps people to own their feelings. This, I appreciate. I always own the shit out of my feelings, and sometimes everyone else’s feelings, too. Growing up in an obscenely large dysfunctional family molded me into a loyal codependent. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

The framework of Nonviolent Communication adds a lot of unnecessary words to sentences, though, and can chew up anywhere from four to thirty-five minutes of any given day.

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Medium 9781574411836

Slouching toward Zion

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Slouching toward Zion j

I

Thurston Morton was the kind of Baptist who when he said

“thirty-ought-six,” he expected everyone to understand what he meant. Elaine was raised in the Church of Christ and when she said Acts 2:38, she expected everyone to understand what she meant.

However, when Elaine reached puberty she became a Baptist because the Baptist Church had something every night.

Giving Elaine an excuse to go out every night. Best of all, her

Church of Christ parents wanted to hear nothing about Baptist meetings, which meant they would never know where she went or who she was with. When she and Thurston became engaged,

Thurston’s buddies warned him that Elaine had dated every male in Chillicothe. “Chillicothe’s not that big,” he said. Five others, including the halt and the married.

Elaine had proved to be a good wife—silent in church, faithful at work, obedient at home—the way the Good Book said. All she asked was that some day they take a trip and

Thurston promised some day they would.

Thurston worked at the grain elevator in the summer and the gin in the fall and listened to radio preachers who promised that God would prosper him if he would prosper them. And

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Medium 9781574411836

The Church Softball League

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

The Church Softball League j

My wife and I visited an aunt and uncle in a West Texas town that is best left unidentified. It was big enough to have two

Baptist churches as well as Methodist, Church of Christ, Assembly of God, Bible, and El Sendero churches. It was big enough to have a church softball league, requiring only two churches from neighboring communities.

My uncle, whom I will call Roland to protect the innocent, played first base for Second Baptist Church, that loved all people and all churches, and their softball teams, except First Baptist that they hated worse than sin. And they hated First Baptist softball team worse than they hated sin that someone else got away with.

First Baptist had brick walls, artificial stained glass, an electric organ, and a steeple with a cross that revolved like a windmill. When the wind blew. And the wind always blew. Their team had real uniforms with First Baptist Church on the front.

Second Baptist had clapboard, venetian blinds, and an upright piano. Their team wore blue jeans and tee-shirts with “’round

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Medium 9780615928272

It’s Not Cannibalism if Nobody Died

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

FRIEND: I am worried about postpartum depression.

ME: You should be. That shit is serious. I fantasized about killing both of my kids and myself every day after my second was born.

FRIEND: Whoa. So, will you prepare my placenta so I don’t lose my mind after the baby is born?

ME: Uh, ok.

I should be clear here. My friend was not desiring a meal and did not ask me to boil her up some polenta with gruyère, sea salt and a side of garlic-sauteed collard greens. She asked me to take her afterbirth into my kitchen and do all sorts of things to it in hopes of preventing postpartum depression. And I said yes. Not because processing her afterbirth was the best invitation I was offered at the time, but because I live in Sonoma County and that’s the kind of thing we do up here. Also, anything that keeps a lady friend from going ape shit crazy on her baby or herself is okay by me.

Now, many of us have sat patiently by while new parents share sweet tales of burying a firstborn child’s placenta under an apple tree in a backyard or driving it to a favorite wilderness destination to release it as an offering to the babyloving gods. But most stories involving the consumption of this surprisingly large, kidney-looking organ include wild animals–not humans–who suck amniotic fluid from their freshly born offspring’s pelt before gobbling down the placenta and umbilical cord for nutrition.

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Medium 9781574411836

Onan Comes In From the Cold

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Onan Comes In

From The Cold j

When John was born, his mother said, “It’s a boy.” When Roybal was born, she said, “Another boy.” When John was a child, his mother told friends, “He’s a good boy.” When Roybal was a child, she told strangers, “I wanted another child but not this one.”

In Chillicothe Middle School, John was called Big John.

John liked being called Big John. Roybal was called Roybal and boys stretched it out and accented the last syllable—

Royyyy-bullllll. Roybal hated his name although his mother said he was named after a movie star. When he got to college where there was a library, he discovered the movie star was

Royal Ballet.

In high school Big John made good grades because he was an athlete with boyish charm and joked with his teachers. He never did homework because he was too busy chasing balls, girls, or a good time. He scored high on exams because the smart kids passed him the answers to win his smile.

Roybal made bad grades because he was smarter than his brother or anyone else in his school but he wanted to be liked and the smartest kid was never liked. He never did homework because he already knew all that stuff. He aced exams but his teachers gave him bad grades because they thought he cheated.

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Medium 9780615928272

DIY Ecstatic Dance Jam

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

Do I enjoy unconventional cardio workouts?

Do I become giddy at the mere mention of “embodied play,” “soul activation,” or “vibrational sound healing”?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be ready to ecstatically jam on the dance floor.

2. The next step to creating an Ecstatic Dance Jam is to find attendees that share the same feelings about sweat, drumming, raw foods and saffron-dyed fabric. Again, find a quiet place, practice deep breathing and tap into your intuition’s core. It will lead you to the people you need to invite. If you live near power lines or a cell phone tower and find that their unnatural energy or radioactive waves create a barrier between you and your clairvoyance (and you loaned your tin foil hat to your aunt Freya), there are other avenues to finding the group of Ecstatic Dance Jammers that will mesh well with you in your sacred space. Places to seek these jamming dancers include the Whole Foods raw desert aisle and Earth

Day festivals. You may also spot potential guests dancing to jam bands at the local farmers market or pedaling pot brownies or other cannabis-rich snacky treats at reggae concerts. And of course, don’t forget the 7 a.m. naked yoga class at the nearest hot spring resort. Also, tantra workshops, crop circle study groups and your neighborhood psychic institute are well worth looking into for attendees. Tip: Men wearing linen pants and no underwear are always game for

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Medium 9781935362593

Frustrations

Julia Icenogle Kansas City Star Quilts ePub

Even though Mrs. Bobbins loves to quilt, it does have its frustratingly funny moments.

“Shoot, I think I’ve quilted in the tablecloth again.”

“When you’re finished, I need you to shave this old quilt…it’s bearding, too.”

“The moths that eat my wool quilts get appliquéd over the holes they make.”

“I’m telling you, Edith, carpal-tunnel just proves that I deserve a big blue ribbon!”

“Here’s a little something to help my quilt get to the top of the queue…and no questions asked.”

Mrs. Bobbins learns the hard way always to buy extra fabric for the binding.

Overnight guests at the Bobbins’ may not be able to breathe, but they are never cold.

“It is a little bit late for Christmas peppermints. Let’s say they’re beach balls.”

A little microquilting goes a long… actually, it only goes a little way.

“I’ve been fighting this windmill so long I feel like Don Quixote.”

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Medium 9780615928272

One Settled Comfortably InThe Cuckoo’s Nest

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

to yourself and the loved ones nearby, that some level of mental illness has quite possibly set up shop inside of us as well. Some insist that we’re just not trying enough alternative remedies to cure whatever ails us. Something’s wrong?

Fix it! Immediately! Buy something! Or let go of attachments! Change your outlook on life! Manifest the happiness thatresides within! You need a detox diet! Smudge your bedroom with sage! You create your own reality! We’re all supposed to be happy! Everything is so good! We can manifest joy! Try harder!

Sure, some people are “cured” with didgeridoo sound healings, 5-HTP supplements and tapping all over their faces while chanting positive affirmations. That is super great for them, as they are likely not suffering from the gnarly chronic depression and anxiety I’m referring to. For some of us, color therapy and yoga don’t make it go away.

Not that we don’t try. Some of us try everything because we’re afraid of being judged by our “liberal, do-good” communities if we take medication. We undergo hypnotherapy, past life regression, tarot readings. We visit shamans and get acupuncture treatments. We’ll become cyclists, participating in every 100-mile ride we can find, attempting to outride whatever keeps grasping at us with it’s viscous claws. We do eight million sun salutations. We drive two days through the desert to see the Dalai Lama. We borrow our friends’ light therapy boxes, eat mounds of Omega-3 fatty acid-rich food. Sometimes we give up and eat two pounds of bacon in a weekend. We’ll churn our own butter and stand alone in the kitchen devouring it by the spoonful before smearing it onto chocolate cake that we often consume while soaking in the bathtub, reading Pema Chödrön, listening to Iron and

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