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Medium 9781574411836

If You're There God, Pick Up

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

If You’re There God, Pick Up j

Billy Mac Wilhite came home from the seminary to be ordained as a Baptist preacher. Tommy Foster, who was fourteen, remembered Billy Mac as a quarterback for the Chillicothe

High School Eagles. Billy Mac was Tommy’s hero. Tommy didn’t care that for his ordination Billy Mac wore a plaid coat with gray slacks and a bow tie, had tassels on his shoes, and paisley socks. The Holy Spirit does not always come with good taste.

Billy Mac had attended one of those Southern Baptist seminaries that teach “God is deaf” theology. When he was invited to preach, Billy Mac preached that God couldn’t hear the prayers of a whole bunch of folks. Including the Methodists.

Billy Mac said he had been to Jerusalem where prayers, calls for prayers, incense for prayers, bells for prayers, and prayers were heard day and night. Catholic prayers, Jewish prayers, Armenian prayers, Coptic prayers, Muslim prayers,

Orthodox prayers, Anglican prayers. Was Jerusalem a city known for peace and love? That proved that God didn’t hear the prayers of those folks.

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Medium 9781574411836

Do You Have a Rapture Lawyer?

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Do You Have a Rapture Lawyer? j

The Lord is going to return very soon, probably before the next election. If your chances of being raptured are greater than those of a pecan pie at a Baptist picnic you need a rapture lawyer. As you rise into glory, what happens to your estate?

You may think you don’t need a rapture lawyer because you have a valid will leaving everything to your wife. What if the rapture comes while you are driving your car, you disappear in the air, and your car goes smash into an X-rated video store?

Your wife is going to the poor house, and your estate is going to a pornographer and pervert.

You may think you don’t need a rapture lawyer because you have given up driving, along with other litigious liabilities, and you have a valid will leaving everything to your wife, children, and grandchildren. What happens if you raised them right, correcting your wife along the way, and they are raptured with you? You may think you will be so happy in heaven with God, the angels, your relatives—including your sainted mother who preceded you—that you won’t care what happens to your estate. Think again. The estate that you spent your life trying to protect from the government is going to be seized by Uncle

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Medium 9780615928272

Eminem Sex Dreams Decoded

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

We discuss politics, genetic engineering and needle exchange programs. He invites me to a private screening of a factory farming documentary back at his San Francisco hotel room. Tugging at his baggy trousers, he leads me out of the bar.

Back at the hotel, his passionate rant about dismantling the racist prison industrial complex lures me, without hesitation, into the hotel bed, which is stacked with handmade quilts. “I made those myself,” he says.

Eminem is a closet quilter. I am so putting out.

He’s just aggressive enough to keep me pleased without hurting me in ways that I don’t want to be hurt. His hands are smooth and strong, save for the calluses where the mic is usually firmly grasped. But on this night, my night of an unbridled sexcapade, tangled up in Eminem’s hand-sewn rag quilts, the only thing in his hand is my body. Every single naughty bit of it.

As the sun rises, he serves the best organic orange juice ever and asks if I can stay another night. “I have season four of

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Medium 9781574411836

Questions Catholics Never Ask

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Questions Catholics Never Ask j

When the Virgin Mary visits the earth, why does she always dress like a Muslim?

Other than the halo, how do they know she is the mother of Jesus and not the mother of Mohammed?

How old is that dress any way? It’s unlikely there are any fashion designers in heaven but couldn’t Michaelangelo whip up something? da Vinci?

When the Holy Mother returns, shouldn’t it be “revisitation” rather than “visitation?”

Why is it necessary for the Holy Mother to appear at all if she always has the same message? Love one another? Can’t she think of something that hasn’t been used in soft drink commercials?

If the Secrets of Fatima were important enough for the Holy

Mother to appear on earth to reveal, why did the popes keep them secret until after the events had occurred? Shouldn’t she have appeared again to be sure her message was delivered?

If the pope is the head of the church, why doesn’t the Holy

Mother go directly to him? Doesn’t he listen to women?

What if God and the Virgin Mary got their roles crossed and God spoke to the pope and the Virgin appeared to the president of the Church of Latter Day Saints? Would good

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Medium 9781574411836

Redemption

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Redemption j

Kyle wasn’t ugly. He wasn’t dumb. He wasn’t disliked. He wasn’t anything. That was the problem; Kyle wanted to be someone. He yearned to be admired. What did he have to do to be noticed?

He perfected a dumb look to elicit laughter from classmates when asked a question but no one looked when he did it. The only time he acted up in class he said, “Take advantage of it.”

Cloyce was the only one who heard him and Cloyce repeated it real loud. Everyone looked at Cloyce and laughed, even Miss

Baine who had never smiled at Kyle. They talked about it for days.

Kyle was noticed sometimes but not the way he wanted. He was tall and thin as a shadow so others dubbed him “Slats.” His mother slipped grease into his food causing his nose to erupt in snow capped volcanoes inviting others to tag him “Kilimanjaro.”

He was the last in school to lose the pompadour because long stringy hair was not acceptable at home or school. When he cut his hair short and parted it on the side a tuft stuck up in the back challenging classmates to pull it and crow like a rooster.

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Medium 9781741795240

A Matter of Trust

Simon Winchester Lonely Planet ePub

Michelle Witton is an Australian actor/writer, currently based in London. She studied law in Australia and at Cambridge University, where she wrote and acted with the Footlights comedy revue. A well-travelled backpacker, Michelle’s travel stories and satire have been published in TNT Magazine, the Sydney Morning Herald and Backpacker Essentials. This is the first time her work has appeared in book form. This story is dedicated to the man who assured her, ‘It never hurts to kick your toe on the moon’ – her father, Bill Witton (1932–2004).

My watchband, already old when I started travelling, had served me well in the three months I’d been on the road, but it finally chose the Italian town of Lucca in which to end its short, though eventful, life. Luckily, I’d planned to stay a while in Lucca, visiting my friend Elizabetta and tending to necessary chores such as mending my dog-eared guidebook and spending quality time with a washing machine. Now I added finding a new watchband to the list.

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Medium 9780615928272

If You Like Pina Coladas

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

frat houses, jail, NRA conventions, church. Accompanying photographs show us whether the person is tall enough, stylish enough, happy enough, adventurous enough or creative enough to take out in public or to procreate with. Online dating should be awesome. But really, it’s not.

After years of reluctance around answering personals in the back pages of my local alt-weekly while humming the desperately awful “Piña Colada/Escape” song, I finally embarked on my first blind date years ago with a guy I met through Friendster.

Joe, as I’ll call him here (because I can’t actually remember–or have mentally blocked–his name) lived in Berkeley, owned his own house, collected art and was well-traveled.

Most importantly, he had good politics and was easy on the eyes. He could construct clever sentences and our online correspondence was lively and interesting. Our first phone conversation was brief, as we decided we’d save all of the

“good stuff ” for our coffee date the following week.

We met in a nearby town that neither of us frequently visited. As I walked into the cafe I knew in an instant that we weren’t a match. All of my hopeful expectations disintegrated as he immediately launched a verbal attack against his ex-girlfriend, non-vegans and old people, while complaining of his hearing loss; the result of too many nights behind the turntable at Oakland raves. His whole body had a mild shake to it, a possible side effect of his high volume caffeine consumption or his unprocessed rage toward the world.

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Medium 9781935362593

Life

Julia Icenogle Kansas City Star Quilts ePub

For Mrs. Bobbins, even when quilting isn’t on her mind, it seems to pop up everywhere!

“I probably should have started this swimsuit project earlier in the year.”

“This pattern is called ‘Double Wedding Ring With Prenup.’”

While Mr. Bobbins was away on business, Mrs. Bobbins took the opportunity to work on her favorite quilting project.

“If I have to spend $16 on a rotary cutter, it had better cut more than just fabric!”

Mrs. Bobbins finds out how much her charm quilt vest looks like honeycomb.

I can tell you’re a quilter by the threads on your shirt.

Mrs. Bobbins’ piecing skills tend to show up in unexpected places.

“I see you found my scraps. Nice piecing, by the way.”

“Quilting or non?”

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Medium 9781741795240

Naked in Oaxaca

Simon Winchester Lonely Planet ePub

Laura Resau has lived and travelled extensively in Oaxaca, Mexico, and is currently working on a collection of stories about her experiences there. She teaches college anthropology and ESL (English as a Second Language) in Colorado, and her fiction and essays have appeared in numerous magazines, including Brain, Child, Cicada and Cricket. The temazcal adventure recounted in ‘Naked in Oaxaca’ inspired Laura’s Master’s thesis in cultural anthropology. Her young adult novel set in Oaxaca, tentatively entitled What the Moon Saw, will be published by Delacorte Press in 2006.

An impulsive decision to visit a small town in Oaxaca, Mexico, on market day led to a naked, sweating matriarch beating a naked, sweating me with branches.

After several months of teaching English in the mountainous Mixtec region of Oaxaca, I was ready to venture outside the town I was based in to explore. ‘I’ve never felt safer’, I assured relatives back in the US when they asked how I liked living in a remote, impoverished village only a state away from guerrilla fighting. Although I attracted attention as the only young blonde woman in town, my skinny body and chunky baby cheeks inspired people to treat me protectively, as a daughter or sister.

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Medium 9781741795240

Dutch Toilet

Simon Winchester Lonely Planet ePub

Doug Lansky has spent ten years travelling in over one hundred countries. He is the author of Last Trout in Venice and Up the Amazon Without a Paddle, and penned a nationally syndicated travel-humour column in North America for five years. He currently contributes to National Geographic Adventure and Esquire, and makes his home in Stockholm, Sweden, where he has not been trapped in any toilet stalls.

The most reliable, though least utilised, traveller’s oasis in any city is the library. In a foreign land, you may not be able to read the books or even get a library card, but it usually has three crucial ingredients: free high-speed Internet access, free international newspapers and free toilets. On an April morning in the town of Maastricht, Holland, I went in search of this traveller’s trinity.

There was nothing remarkable about the public library I found; no soul-moving architecture or rare-archive collection that would attract the attention of guidebook writers. It was on the small side, with a low ceiling, and like any sanctuary of literature it was warmed with those hallowed hushed whispers that you could easily mistake for prayers.

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Medium 9780615928272

Rejected Travel Magazine Query:Sex Tourism on a Budget

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

the lower-income brackets of your readership. I think you’d agree that sex tourism is a growing industry with potential to change the world economy while simultaneously eradicating anxiety and depression.

For many of America’s eight-hundred billion heterosexual, single, moderate income women in their thirties and forties, the idea of competing for bed time with the twenty-five semi-eligible bachelors currently residing in the Continental United States is as appealing as cashing in Groupons for colon hydrotherapy singles mixers. Most of us opt out of said group colonic treatments, stay home and masturbate to reruns of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations instead of suffering the humiliation of revealing oneself as one more god damn lonely single woman wading through a sea of perky twenty- somethings, blond hair extensions and kneedeep desperation in search of just a moment’s worth of eye contact, a prolonged handshake or even an elbow in the rib at these crowded, miserable events.

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Medium 9780615928272

Spiritually Cleansing Naked Places

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

play during your visit. And unless you have very identifiable body art, the hat will also ensure that your child’s former preschool teacher won’t recognize you and stop by to show you her new lowerback Luna Moth tattoo.

Always wear big, dark sunglasses. Again, the sun is bright out there in the wild, wild world of naked hot springs. You need protection. You also need those glasses to shield your delicate eyes from so many unwanted soul stares that are guaranteed while visiting the magic crystal lands of spiritually cleansing naked places. They also serve as a softening screen when presented with the many, many pale white asses and tenderly scalded crispy pink buns that come frighteningly close to your face. Bonus: Dark glasses make it possible for you to ogle the rare attractive man or woman lounging near the pool without looking like a total perv.

It is very important to utilize the most basic of manners at the hot springs, like “no peeing in the pool” and “ladies first.” But most importantly, remember not to bend over to pick up your book bag or vegan chocolate treats. And don’t attend any yoga classes sans pants. You wouldn’t like someone else’s puckered starfish or withering junk dangling in your face, would you? Just kneel. Better yet, if you’re hoping to make a few naked friends during your visit, ask someone at ground level to assist you in retrieving your items.

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Medium 9781574411836

Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting at the Baptist Church

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Wednesday Night Prayer

Meeting at the Baptist Church j

Wednesday night meant prayer meeting at the Chillicothe Baptist Church. Before praying together, Baptists tried to reconcile themselves to one another over ham hock and lima beans, with ice tea and peace cobbler.

First, Brother Wachel announced that he felt pretty good for someone who had a funeral that morning. Next, he identified the larger concerns of the whole church so that folks could pray about it. One of those concerns was the building fund.

“Due to the increased activity of our young people we need to enlarge the nursery,” he said.

No one laughed. No one listened.

Another concern was that Brother Elroy was not fulfilling his role as deacon in charge of visitation. Some of the pew racks did not have visitor cards and some of the pencils in the racks had not been sharpened. The pencils were used by visitors to write their names and addresses on the visitor cards so that the pastor might visit the visitors, usually at mealtime.

Brother Wachel was concerned because some church members used the cards to write notes to each other, prepare grocery lists or share recipes. Teenagers used the pencils to write hymn titles on the cards adding “between the sheets.” “How tedious and tasteless,” “Blest be the tie,” “Fight the good fight,”

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Medium 9781574411836

The Trouble with Eve

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

The Trouble with Eve j

America was in the third year of a world war. Young Carter was in his first year of confusion over girls. Everything they did was so . . . confusing. When a girl said he had long eyelashes he had rubbed them, not sure whether she meant a loose one was falling into his eye or that he was a sissy. He was sure “You have nice hair,” meant why don’t you wash it sometime and “cutest freckles” meant did all of them survive a washcloth?

When girls looked at him he couldn’t meet their eyes afraid of what his face would show. When they smiled at him he gaped at their lips. Why were their mouths so . . . different?

When they laughed, he fled. He also fled the presence of

Clarissa for fear of what he would do. Fall on the ground and kiss her feet probably.

Clarissa Bowman. Girls had such pretty names. Clarissa.

Bowman. He tasted the words with his mouth. Clarissa Bowman. He was given his mother’s maiden name, Young. Young

Carter. It made him want to cry. Why would anyone name a baby “Young?” It was bad enough being called “kid” when you were fourteen and the country was at war. New teachers called him Carter Young until he corrected them. Men said his name sounded like a law firm or a funeral parlor.

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Medium 9780615928272

Bad Feminist

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

other in so many ridiculous ways. Gallery openings, protest marches, morning cafe rushes, craft fairs, fucking Tot Time with the kids at the local library. Women pick apart other women from head to toe or ignore them completely, even though they’ve met, like, seventeen times. And even though you are standing right fucking there.

“I’m married to a successful civil rights attorney and play in the New York Philharmonic. What do you do?”

“I know. We’ve met a few times. I’m a writer, remember? We met at that charity bike ride and–”

“You don’t have the body of a cyclist at all. And you don’t really look familiar. Have I read your work?”

“Probably not.” You’re too amazing and a way better person than I am. You probably don’t even need to read and just absorb knowledge and worldly wisdom through your perfectly tight pores or your extra- long eyelashes, you evil bitch. My out-of-shape body and I will just go home now and make a voodoo doll with the button I ripped off your purse while you were bragging about your perfect kids.

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